For I Am Not a Sheep.

While Easter is my favorite Christian holiday, I have informed my children that we will be postponing the celebration of this beloved holiday, that we celebrated mostly in favor of all things flowery and spring, egg hides, the Easter bunny, and lots of candy, until further notice. Perhaps I should indeed change it to a spring themed holiday instead of a celebration of resurrection because I do love the excitement of egg hides.

I relinquished my thorny crown of Christianity shortly after my mother ascended. I had come to the conclusion that the idea that I was a sinner and that I was born bad was too much of a burden for me to bear. Yes, I understand. “It is and that is why Jesus carried the burden for me by giving his life at the cross.” I get it. I get it. However, it was not Jesus who lie suffering from cancer for my mother’s sins or better yet, the idea of herself as a sinner. No, it was not Jesus. It was my mother, and she never  quite got around to redeeming herself. Well, that was the straw that broke the camels back actually. The entire religion never made sense to me from the day I began to question it somewhere around the age of 7 or 8. Anyway, I am not here to tear apart and poke holes in my grandmother’s religion, although I very well could, quite easily. So please, don’t attack me. Although I know you will, because even Jesus was attacked for speaking differently than popular belief in his time.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do believe in Jesus, just as I believe in Muhammad, Buddah, Krishna, Albert Einstein, and many others, I just don’t believe in the religions surrounding their message. I just don’t believe in anyone having died because I am a sinner, or pregnant virgins for that matter.

I can admit that since relinquishing my Christianity, life has not been easy however, I am prepared. The Universe has already forewarned that it would not be; at least not superficially. I mean honestly, have you ever tried to swim against the social current. Almost any person can conceive this battle at some point in their lives. It takes an incredible amount of strength and courage that you may not tire and drown before you reach your destination. In that, I am also promised that all my satisfaction will be fulfilled in the experience of my soul. By remaining true to who I AM, I will have accomplished all that I came here to accomplish.

But you know what’s even more difficult than swimming against the current. Pretending. . .pretending to believe, pretending to care, pretending to be a part of something you feel you have no stake in. This is truly going against the grain. And every time you try to continue on pretending. . .going along to get along so to speak, your soul starts clawing at your gut screaming, “No, no, no, no, NOOOOOOOOOO.” If this is the life I choose in my mind with my body, my soul wants nothing to do with it. And let me tell you She, my soul, is much, much stronger than them both.

Having “lost my religion” or better yet, giving it up Souly by choice, I felt completely lost. Then I realized I felt no differently than I had been feeling my entire life, only I had been pretending to know where I was going. For the first time I felt safe in being lost, if that makes any sense at all because I’ll be honest, it didn’t to me at first. It felt weird but in it I could hear the Universe speak to me, Directly to Me. Telling me what to do and where to go and lighting a fire in my belly when I would try and talk myself out of Its instruction. My reasons, my motives, my logic was constantly being questioned by many individuals who no doubt spoke and probably lived from a place of fear. I recognized those acts, those speeches because I too was once a residence of fear however these days I am a dweller in the wind of faith. I go where it takes me.

Not to defend my position, because the truth does not require a defense, however let us level on this. My closes friends are Christian. We are joined together not on the basis of any religion but on the basis of our faith. I am content in my decision and I am excited for where my new journey takes me.

I shall not be moved.

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